Just copy and paste into your favourite word processor. Add a header with your name and photo at the top, then add a footer at the bottom with your contact information e.g.: mailing address, phone number, email, etc. Do an automatic search for Your Name Here and replace with your real name. I would suggest reading anything I've written, and change things to suit yourself. Lose the colour, make it less tongue-in-cheek, more formal... this is just a sample after all.
Merlin
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Date Year
Dear Madam/Sir:
More and more government services seem to resemble a series of transactions, and I have to say I find that to be quite refreshing. Like someone once said, “There’s no government like no government”, and since government appears increasingly to mimic big business, I recently thought to myself “This is great!” because now I can participate on a level playing field, with all the other corporate players!
The advantage I have of course, is that I have already been ‘incorporated’, by God, for lack of a better explanation. You do believe in God, don’t you? The Canadian Charter seems to, and I know our current Prime Minister Stephen Harper with his direct ties to social conservatism does -- he and I are corporations apparently created by God unlike the other corporations you are familiar with, all of which without exception were created by… lesser beings.
Honestly, I don’t know why I wept at the decline of things like forests, fisheries and clean water at the hands of industry, and the relative good health that seemed also to decline as they were systematically compromised. It was so stupid of me to have accepted the labels heaped upon me by corporate players, labels like commie, leftie, wool socker, tree hugger, idealist, when I could have been enjoying life working on an oil rig somewhere, helping build the New World Order. I can’t believe I was so dumb, because now that I’m a player too I can see how pointless it was to think way. But, back to business!
During regular intervals of reflection over the last decade and a half, I have had the chance to study in meticulous detail what has happened to me along with a vast host of other people , and I have repeatedly concluded that you or your institution in effect owe me, a bona fide Corporation, quite a lot of money for constantly being there -- 24/7 -- for your direct benefit. Lets do a little math. Let's say I'm one of the lucky ones who managed to scrape together about $2,000 a month on average for the last 15 years, before deductions:
$24,000 x 15 years = $360,000 x 4% Vacation Pay = $14,440 + $360,000 = $374,440.
That's hardly a living wage, considering all of the hidden costs of modern existence: factor in day-to-day stress, financial and environmental uncertainty, a pending Americanized health care system, a decent cell phone plan, ever-increasing fuel, insurance and funeral expenses, you get the drift... especially in light of perennially exorbitant credit card interest rates!
Honestly, how many of us can really afford to just get up every morning and go to work, let alone face an uncertain future without hope of ever emerging from our debt load as we helplessly watch public services dwindle, never mind putting money away and saving for retirement!
Luckily I have come up with a workable plan, and as an idealistic adherent or acolyte of Crisis Capitalism I'm sure you will agree.
If you SUBSCRIBE to retain me for EXPLOITATION AVAILABILITY, I am willing not only to FORGIVE THE PAST, but also to WAIVE THE ONE TIME SETUP FEES, plus offer you 30 DAYS OF FREE WAR-OF-ANY-KIND EXPLOITATION AVAILABILITY WITH NO TRANSACTION CHARGES!
That adds up to HUGE SAVINGS for you!
And, if you also SIGN UP NOW for my Exposure To Various Media, Exposure To Media Child, Damage To The Environment, and GM Foods and Patented Life Forms Exploitation Retainer Services, I will include ONE ENTIRE YEAR FREE of Transaction Fees AT NO COST TO YOU WHATSOEVER! That's right, absolutely FREE!
WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU SUBSCRIBE:
I will not only MAKE SURE I am AVAILABLE FOR YOUR EXPLOITATION 24/7, but I WILL ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO AFFORD IT! Think of the advantages of having people who don’t complain about slashes to public programs for instance because they have the money to pay for things they used to get when Public Health Care for example was run AS IF PEOPLE MATTERED. Think how much easier it would be to successfully EXTEND THE AFGHAN MISSION INDEFINITELY and keep your corporate elitist American friends happy when your people do exactly what they are told with a smile every time, no questions asked, using the time-proven EXPLOITATION RETAINER SERVICES system!
It all adds up to INCREDIBLE SAVINGS, plus if you SUBSCRIBE WITHIN THE NEXT 7 DAYS you’ll also receive a FREE GIFT! So why not take a few moments to complete the attached application and mail it today!
Sincerely,
Your Name Here
President and CEO
P.S. Act now and you could qualify for a credit to your account for precious time you may have already spent trying to help 'Deep Integration' get off the ground without anybody noticing!
-- Your Name Here
